Choice.

I made a choice. A fucking choice.

I kept Him company until his BUS came to take Him away from me. The BUS finally arrived; we parted ways and I was already missing Him.

I chose to enter that full subway cart. I could have gone in the next one, I could. But I chose to enter that one.
I ran to my BUS station as soon as I left the subway: I chose to go on that particular BUS who parts at 6PM, and not the other one who parts 5min later. I didn't even have to run if I had chosen to go on the latter. But oh no, I had to run!

I entered the stupid BUS.

And you were there.

You.

The creature that nearly got me killed. The being that made me lose all my self respect and my individuality so I could just be more like you, so you could love me. The hedious ammount of matter that has everything I wish I could have and be, but I don't and won't.

I had almost forgotten about you. I hadn't seen you in almost two years and I was doing fine. Still obcessing about you, of course, how could I ever forget?

I saw you there. [Panic! OMG]

I greeted you and I went on, I didn't sit next to you. I know a warning sign when I see one and your fake smile was all I needed to see at the time. I went as far away as the BUS allowed me to go.

You came after me!

We chatted for 5minutes and then you left and you said something I didn't even listen to. Years back I would have left where you did, I would walk you home, and then walk myself home, broken, for 20 more minutes until I reached my place. I would walk for 20min, despite the heat, cold or heavy rain, only so I could be with you a few more minutes. I would leave the BUS far from my house and I would walk the rest. You'd never do that for me, I knew it, but I did it. It felt good. And bad. But good.

God, I'm so stupid.

I didn't exit there today. Were you expecting me to? Fuck you!

You said something and I couldn't make out the words. What did you say? You'd call me? I know I nodded but I don't know what to! But you won't call. You know me better than that. And we both know that's what we say to not be rude.
We can be cruel, vicious and emotional murderers, but we're always polite, now aren't we?

I don't want to see you ever again. I'll freeze your fucking name, I'll do whatever I can do to keep you away from me. Go away! I know I blamed you for all those things that I couldn't do. It was mostly my fault, I did it because I wanted to. But it was because of you that I did all those stupid things, like quitting college to go after you.

What was I thinking?!

"I hate you. I'll always love you beyond redemption, and I cannot forgive myself for that."

I used to think like that, but today I felt nothing. There's no magic anymore. Only the awkwardness and the confused feelings. I don't want to see you ever again.

Please, disappear.

I don't know what bothers me the most - the fact that I didn't expect to see you there, or the fact that you're now meaningless to me.

After all that I called Him on the phone, and He said that it was OK. And it is OK.

I love Him and not him. Thank you again. For finding me and guiding me. I know I can be a bitch sometimes but I adore you and knowing that you adore me is all I need to keep me going.

If only I had missed that BUS, if I had chosen to not run, to not go in the extremely crowded subway - usually I wait for the next one - if only I had stayed a bit longer, none of this would have happened.

Destiny? Fate? Whatever it is, it's our choices who make these events happen. I admire and hate randomness. If I had gone in another BUS this idiotic post wouldn't be here and this blog would still be a fab place without emotional-brain-cells-deprived posts like this one.

I'll post something superficial right after this and we'll all pretend this didn't happen.

Shall we dance?