If..

.. I had infinite money or resources, I'd take off tomorrow and I'd go around the World on foot.

I'd feel the tropical rain on my face. The burning sand of the Sahara flowing through my toes. The soft waters of the Indian. The sweet smell of the pampas and I'd gaze at the sunset in Cape Town.

These lives we lead.. Conserned about our next car. Our next cell phone. If we should buy a house in the suburbs or a flat in town.. Next Christmas. These silly and mediocre thoughts that run our lives for us.. They hold us down. They don't let us see what we're missing. I'm wasting my time here in this bedroom, writing away my life in this computer and as I write this the Pyramids are there! Waiting to be seen and felt! I need to feel them! To touch them and to feel them there. Yet I'm here.

I want nothing! One day I WILL just go. I'll walk my way to wherever I want to. On foot. I need to do it. I need to feel what our species felt 12000 years ago, when the ice started to melt and we suddenly faced a whole new World ahead of us. Unknown.

I don't want to die having seen the World only through the screen of my telly. I don't. I want to be. TO exist! I want my molecules to feel! To feel the Universe and this planet! I want to be the biosphere and the dolphins! I want to jump across freezing streams that run through scottish forests.

I want to see it. How can I be sure Australia even is there at all? How about Antartica? Most of the people have only heard of it. As far as we know, it could be a massive shopping mall for the World's elite and the rest of us fools wouldn't know a thing about it!

I will be here and be domestic for the time being. But don't think I'm done. Vienna waits for me, if you know what I mean.
And I might die crazed and alone, begging for food in the streets of Shanghai or Theeran, but baby!

I'd have walked my way there.

I mean..

- ..but I don't have any act!

- Killing Fred Casely WAS your act! That's all the audience wants, to see somebody famous.

- That was a freak act! Besides, I can do better than that!

- You could be as big as Sophie Tucker!

- You really think so? I've always wanted to have my name in all the papers.. You know, before I met Amos I used to date this well-to-do ugly bootlegger. He used to take me out to show me off. Ugly guys like to do that. Once it said in the paper: "Gang lad Al Capelli seen at Chez Vito with cute young blonde." That was me. I clipped it and I saved it.
You know all my life I wanted to have my own act? But no. No, no no no. Always no, they always turn me down. One big world full of no!
And then Amos came along. Safe sweet Amos, who never says no.

Oh.. I've never done this before, but you know, it's such a special night and you're such a great audience! And I really feel like I can.. I can talk to you, you know? So forget what you read in the papers and forget what you've heard in the radio because.. Because.. Well, I'm gonna tell you the truth - not that the truth really matters.. But I'm gonna tell you anyway:

In the bed department.. Amos was.. Hum............ ZERO! I mean, when he made love to me, it was like he was fixing a carburator or something! "Irrr loveerrrr yarrr honeyrrr! Irrrr loveerrr yaaarr!"

Anyway, I started fooling around. Then I started screwing around. Which is fooling around without dinner.

Then I met Fred Casely, who said that he could get me into Vaudeville? But that didn't quite work out like I planned. I guess it didn't really work out too great for Fred either.

So I gave up on the whole Vaudeville idea, because you kinda figure after all those years, opportunities just pass you by.. But it ain't! And now! If this Flynn guy gets me off, and all this publicity, I got me a world full of YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bitch!

I know! I know New Year's eve is far away still, and I also happen to know that only then are we supposed to come up with resolutions - you know, some sort of personal goals we must archieve during the next year (but we never do.).

Anyway, I've made a decision: From now on, I will refrain and hold my inner bitch down. I can't carry on like this. I can't go through life expecting everything to always go my way. I have been. And they have been. But when that changes, and it will, because nothing remains the same for long, what will I do then? ..accostumed to this kind of selfish and self-praising life I've been living?

Hoping to avoid that sort of problems altogether, I'm starting to scold my inner bitch now. It will be hard, and dear, does it make me feel like I need to kill, kill KILL.. It does! But in time things will be alright and I will surpass this need to destroy and orbitalize the lives of others around me.

I need to let them be. And I will.

Be!!

Y'all need to be what you need to be! Be yourselves! I'll bear with it! I swear I will! I'll give my best! I will be arrogant and I will think to myself that whatever you do, no matter how stupid and unbalanced as it might be, it's the best you can do! I will use that as my personal mantra. And everything will be ab-fab!

[I just hope I'm not fooling myself again. Dear, if I am, tell me you'll be here in a couple of weeks to pick up the pieces? Will you?]

Done for today.

Arrivederci!

Foi por pouco..

.. mesmo. Esteve perto da ruptura, mas não rompeu.

"Vamos indo e vamos vendo.."

God, what have I done and become?!

To the left! To the left!

I don't know where I am or what I'm doing. I'll probably regreat this, but I need to release you. We're through. I promissed myself never to settle.. Why didn't I keep it?

"Since I'm not your everything, maybe I'll be nothing. Nothing at all to you."

Enjoy it all. Have lots of fun and have a blast with everyone and everything! But I won't be backstage, waiting for my chance to spend a couple of minutes with you. It's so over. I hope I can go on.

New ground, this I'm walking on.

It's shuffle, baby!

Hummmmm..

"Behind my smile is my IQ. I must admit it does not sit with the likes of you."

Fim.

You know what I find interesting? If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that's just too fucking awful to even have a name.

Brenda

Grandma, you're the only one who's trully suffering. At least I hope so.
Someone needs to be suffering. That's you.
I'm sorry.
I'm not.
Going.
Bye.

It goes to show you never can tell..

- "Hey Mia! Do you wanna hang out?"
- "Sorry, kinda busy right now."

- "At a club?!?!?!?!?!"
- "Bye." *rolls eyes*

I love you.

If you believe in love at first sight you never stop looking.

[Time after time I say: Oh lord, what's the use? Time after time I say: This just won't do! But sooner or later in life the things you love you lose. And just like before, I know I'll call on you.]

Osi!

Me:

The name on everybody's lips is gonna be: Osi!
The gentleman raking up the chips is gonna be: Osi!
I'm gonna be a celebrety! (That means: Somebody everyone knows.)
They're gonna recognize: My eyes! My hair! My teeth! My lips! My nose!
From just some dumb out of town buy I'm gonna be: Osi!

Think of those autographs! I'll sign: Good luck to ya! OSI!

And I'll appear in a lavaliere that goes all the way down to my waist!
Here a bling! There a bling! Everywhere a blingaling!

(But always in the best of taste.)

Hummmmm.. I'm a star! And the audience loves me! And I love them! And I love them for loving me, and they love me for loving them, and we love eachother! And that's because none of us got enough love in our childhoods. And that's showbiz, kid.

They:

He's givin up his humdrum life. He's gonna be: Osi! He made a scandal and a start!

Me:

And Sophie Tucker, oh shit I know! will see her name get billed below: OSIDIAN!

Nota de redação

A propósito de variadíssimas confusões e misunderstandings que se têm vindo a verificar, face ao conteúdo das minhas mais recentes publicações, gostaria de clarificar que estas se dedicam a vários eventos que ocorreram nestes últimos dias, e não apenas a um.

I've got a life. And it's multifactorial.

Thank God! :P

Clown?

God. The last few events that had some impact in my life, small impact, but still an impact, have been making me feel like a clown.

Okay, I may have had conversations and I may have commented on things, situations and people I shouldn't have.. But, come on! If you feel like you shouldn't be going though it, just pretend it is a work of fiction. (In spite of the truth in all of it.)

I'm not sad. I'm not sorry. I've never told anyone I was nice. You assumed that.

One must never assume.

I meant it. Maybe what I was expressing as someone else's view, was really MY view.

Thank God I won't be seeing or hearing from you again. I was getting tired of always having to come up with an excuse to NOT go and meet you. And you're lucky as well! You won't have to see me too!

Perfect!

Takes a lot of weight out of my shoulders.

On the other hand, why am I still talking about it? Did it affect me? It did. I don't know why, but it did. Clown!

Am I sorry? Of course. I'm sorry of many things, but don't get me wrong! I'm not asking for forgiveness! Certainly not from you.

For fuck's sake! Move along! I am.

Case closed.

Goodbye..

Come what may.. I'm moving. I didn't have a choice. Not this time. Someone chose for me and here am I, forced to leave; to move along. And you know what? I like the way it feels! Leaving it all behind.

Goodbye. I'm moving on.

And for better!

Moon

I watch you spin from afar
I drink you in and breath you out
I'm camouflaged by the timeline
I'm camouflaged when the sun shines

Two ships passing in the night
Two lips pressing ground the tides

I believe the world it spins for you
We wil never be, I am the moon

I believe the world it spins for you
We wil never be, I am the moon

I long to be a part
I isolate my heart
You've drawn me into your world
Now I too spin limbless

One hand clapping, where's the wind
I stand spanning at your distant wings

I believe the world it spins for you
We wil never be, I am the moon

I believe the world it spins for you
We wil never be, I am the moon

I believe the world it spins for you
We wil never be, I am the moon

Tempo.

Dunno if it's the weather, but something's been making me feel so miserable these past few days.

Can't wait for those cold sunny days! Sunny, yet! with a freezing cold outside.

Can't wait to put my lovely warm jacket on (yet to buy! You won't ever see me with last year's items) and to go off this house, to meet you downtown for a fabulous cup of coffee. Me, you and the Prune.

And we can all hold hands and smell the Winter and the expensive perfumes and the rotten cold leafs in the floor of the best avenues and shopping venues in the city!

Vamos?

Don't look back in anger..

Após ter escrito uns posts menos amigáveis por cá, senti-me tentado a alterar o conteúdo dos mesmos, de forma a não ferir a susceptibilidade de alguns dos meus inúmeros leitores.

No entanto, e mantendo a mesma linha de raciocínio que já me acompanha de anteriores experiências "bloguisticas", não alterarei nada. O blog acaba por ser um registo virtual da minha vida; assim como não se altera a página de um diário manuscrito há muito, também não se o deve fazer a uma página virtual. Julgo ambos pelos mesmos padrões nostálgicos e obviamente, pela Ordem e Código de Honra do Registo Diário de Experiências de Vida. (Don't ask.)

So this is me. Raw. And with a time line!

Desperdício de tempo..

Há algo pior do que quando sentimos que estamos a desperdiçar tempo de vida?

Quando sentimos que onde estamos, com quem estamos e o que estamos a fazer é completamente desnecessário e despropositado? Que estar em casa a ver TV sozinhos, sentados no sofá, embrulhados em algo quente e fofo, seria melhor e mais bem aproveitado do que a actividade corrente?

Ultimamente tenho-me sentido assim TANTAS vezes. Desiludido, frustrado. Preso.

As pessoas raramente correspondem ás minhas espectativas. Ou são demasiado desinteressantes, banais, corriqueiras, ou são demasiado excêntricas e singulares para que seja possível estabelecer qualquer tipo de relação com elas.

Detesto rudeza. Nunca sou rude. Não consigo. Detesto quando o são para comigo. Detesto sentir-me ignorado ou posto de lado. Detesto sentir que, se não fosse a chuva, ia embora. Raio da chuva!
Não suporto jogar sempre o mesmo jogo, correr sempre pelo mesmo caminho. Comer a mesma comida, vestir a mesma roupa. É bom, de vez em quando. Rotina é sinónimo de segurança. Mas esta vida são dois dias - cliché, mas bem verdade! Não quero conhecer mais do mesmo! NÃO QUERO! Falem comigo se tiverem algo para dizer. ALGO, e não merda!

Pessoas que não me vêm há anos, devido a diferentes caminhos que tomamos, que quando me reencontram na rua, de passagem, perguntam coisas do género: "E então, a tua irmã sempre entrou na Faculdade?" - Quando isso obviamente não lhes interessa minimamente. É mesmo só para meter conversa. Detesto meter conversa.

Razão número um para NUNCA aceitar boleia com conhecidos: Ter de meter conversa.

- "Hum.. E então.. Como vão as aulas?" - pergunto eu, com um pé atrás.
- "Bem." - Diz a outra pessoa, com um ar de "Don't bother me!" que mete medo.

Nesses momentos começo a pensar o que estou a fazer ali.. E lá olho para o relógio.

1seg, 2seg, 3seg, 4seg, 5seg.. O relógio não pára e a minha vida só consegue encurtar-se.

Infelizmente por mais que eu a puxe, duvido seriamente que esses segundos me sejam devolvidos. Sinto-me defraudado! Sinto que o serviço que a sociedade e a Vida em geral me prestaram nesses momentos foi péssimo, e como tal, pretendo receber de volta o tempo investido. TODO.

Nunca, NUNCA mais vou fazer de livre vontade algo que não me apetece apenas porque é socialmente correcto que o faça. Que se foda o socialmente correcto. A vida é minha. I can't live it twice. And I wouldn't want to. Por isso, vou aproveitar a que tenho da melhor forma.

Arrependo-me de te ter deixado sozinho numa das alturas em que podíamos ter estado juntos para passar uma noite que voou para longe sem que eu tenha nada de bom para recordar.

Quer dizer.. não foi mau. Foi giro. Gostei. Gostei de algumas pessoas, (de algumas coisas).. São genuínas, são abertas, fantásticas. Mas outras.. Meu Deus. Infelizmente a presença dessas pessoas adoráveis não é suficiente para compensar a presença daqueloutras cuja presença eu dispenso e não recomendo.

Há dias em que também não me apetece sorrir. Mas não faço disso um mote para fazer com que os outros se sintam incomodados com o seu próprio acto de respirar.
Não sou exemplo para ninguém, mas pelo menos não critico com um pretenso ar de anjo social e emocionalmente perfeito. Estou consciente das minhas falhas e gosto de todas elas.

Mas pessoas assim.. São um desperdício de tempo. Eu sou um desperdício de tempo, como todos vós (nós), mas nunca me podem acusar de me impor seja a quem for. Não desperdicem o meu tempo.

Eu não deixarei jamais que o façam.

Divirtam-se na vossa mediocridade. No meio dela. Chafurdem na vossa ignorância e banalidade ad nauseum. E deixem-me prosperar (ou definhar), mas longe dela.

Erm..

Can two people be together only for the purpose of hurting or pursuing some sort of personal vendetta against someone else?

Usually an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, or an ex-wannabe-boyfriend or girlfriend? An ex-best-friend? An enemy?

I've seen celebs doing it.

Stavros used to date Paris, and now he's dating Lohan only to get back at her. - Because he knows that Paris hates Lohan, and Lohan knows that too. So, logically, they are together, Stavros and Lohan; and Paris is at least feeling bothered.

I can't stand those people.

Please, STOP! You make me feel nauseated.

(This isn't aimed at my baby. I utterly love you. Forever. It's just social criticism. :P)