Friday, September 22, 2006

Beyonce Knowles has multiple personality disorder.


Beyonce Knowles tells Blender that she created an alter ego named Sasha who she turns into whenever she's feeling doubtful about herself. She says:

"When I feel uncomfortable about something, I tell myself, 'I'm Sasha, I'm a diva, I'm fierce, I can do it.' And then I can. Sometimes when Beyonce slips through, I'm like 'Hold up, come back!' Sasha protects me. It's a good way to keep sane."


Yes, creating imaginary characters in your head is definitely the best way to keep sane.

I don't know why I'm posting this. But here you have it!

Choice.


I made a choice. A fucking choice.

I kept Him company until his BUS came to take Him away from me. The BUS finally arrived; we parted ways and I was already missing Him.


I chose to enter that full subway cart. I could have gone in the next one, I could. But I chose to enter that one.
I ran to my BUS station as soon as I left the subway: I chose to go on that particular BUS who parts at 6PM, and not the other one who parts 5min later. I didn't even have to run if I had chosen to go on the latter. But oh no, I had to run!


I entered the stupid BUS.

And you were there.


You.


The creature that nearly got me killed. The being that made me lose all my self respect and my individuality so I could just be more like you, so you could love me. The hedious ammount of matter that has everything I wish I could have and be, but I don't and won't.


I had almost forgotten about you. I hadn't seen you in almost two years and I was doing fine. Still obcessing about you, of course, how could I ever forget?

I saw you there. [Panic! OMG]

I greeted you and I went on, I didn't sit next to you. I know a warning sign when I see one and your fake smile was all I needed to see at the time. I went as far away as the BUS allowed me to go.

You came after me!


We chatted for 5minutes and then you left and you said something I didn't even listen to. Years back I would have left where you did, I would walk you home, and then walk myself home, broken, for 20 more minutes until I reached my place.
I would walk for 20min, despite the heat, cold or heavy rain, only so I could be with you a few more minutes. I would leave the BUS far from my house and I would walk the rest. You'd never do that for me, I knew it, but I did it. It felt good. And bad. But good.

God, I'm so stupid.


I didn't exit there today. Were you expecting me to? Fuck you!


You said something and I couldn't make out the words. What did you say? You'd call me? I know I nodded but I don't know what to! But you won't call. You know me better than that. And we both know that's what we say to not be rude.

We can be cruel, vicious and emotional murderers, but we're always polite, now aren't we?


I don't want to see you ever again. I'll freeze your fucking name, I'll do whatever I can do to keep you away from me. Go away! I know I blamed you for all those things that I couldn't do. It was mostly my fault, I did it because I wanted to. But it was because of you that I did all those stupid things, like quitting college to go after you.

What was I thinking?!


"I hate you.
I'll always love you beyond redemption, and I cannot forgive myself for that."

I used to think like
that, but today I felt nothing. There's no magic anymore. Only the awkwardness and the confused feelings. I don't want to see you ever again.

Please, disappear.


I don't know what bothers me the most - the fact that I didn't expect to see you there, or the fact that you're now meaningless to me.

After all that I called Him on the phone, and He said that it was OK. And it is OK.

I love Him and not him. Thank you again. For finding me and guiding me. I know I can be a bitch sometimes but I adore you and knowing that you adore me is all I need to keep me going.


If only I had missed that BUS, if I had chosen to not run, to not go in the extremely crowded subway - usually I wait for the next one - if only I had stayed a bit longer, none of this would have happened.


Destiny? Fate? Whatever it is, it's our choices who make these events happen. I admire and hate randomness. If I had gone in another BUS this idiotic post wouldn't be here and this blog would still be a fab place without emotional-brain-cells-deprived posts like this one.

I'll post something superficial right after this and we'll all pretend this didn't happen.

Shall we dance?

I'm your..


Here, in my head,
It’s what you said

That breaks me down,


All alone,

Wanna die.

Armed with a kiss,

A little shine’s
Left on your face.
Unresolved, One more time.

I’m your all night Operator,
I’ll connect you to the other side.


Summer nights,
And you die,

Summer nights,

Dialling in your sleep.


Summer nights,
You come to me,

Summer nights,

Coming with the sun.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Eu..



    Nunca conheci quem tivesse levado porrada.
    Todos os meus conhecidos têm sido campeões em tudo.

    E eu, tantas vezes reles, tantas vezes porco, tantas vezes vil,
    Eu tantas vezes irrespondivelmente parasita,
    Indesculpavelmente sujo,
    Eu, que tantas vezes não tenho tido paciência para tomar banho,
    Eu, que tantas vezes tenho sido ridículo, absurdo,
    Que tenho enrolado os pés publicamente nos tapetes das etiquetas,
    Que tenho sido grotesco, mesquinho, submisso e arrogante,
    Que tenho sofrido enxovalhos e calado,
    Que quando não tenho calado, tenho sido mais ridículo ainda;
    Eu, que tenho sido cómico às criadas de hotel,
    Eu, que tenho sentido o piscar de olhos dos moços de fretes,
    Eu, que tenho feito vergonhas financeiras, pedido emprestado sem pagar,
    Eu, que, quando a hora do soco surgiu, me tenho agachado
    Para fora da possibilidade do soco;
    Eu, que tenho sofrido a angústia das pequenas coisas ridículas,
    Eu verifico que não tenho par nisto tudo neste mundo.

    Toda a gente que eu conheço e que fala comigo
    Nunca teve um acto ridículo, nunca sofreu enxovalho,
    Nunca foi senão príncipe - todos eles príncipes - na vida...

    Quem me dera ouvir de alguém a voz humana
    Que confessasse não um pecado, mas uma infâmia;
    Que contasse, não uma violência, mas uma cobardia!
    Não, são todos o Ideal, se os oiço e me falam.
    Quem há neste largo mundo que me confesse que uma vez foi vil?
    Ó príncipes, meus irmãos,

    Arre, estou farto de semideuses!
    Onde é que há gente no mundo?

    Então sou só eu que é vil e errôneo nesta terra?

    Poderão as mulheres não os terem amado,
    Podem ter sido traídos - mas ridículos nunca!
    E eu, que tenho sido ridículo sem ter sido traído,
    Como posso eu falar com os meus superiores sem titubear?
    Eu, que venho sido vil, literalmente vil,
    Vil no sentido mesquinho e infame da vileza.

    Álvaro de Campos
.. geralmente não gosto de ler poesia, pela sua pretensa fluidez que não passa de uma falsa verdade. Gosto de tudo o que é espontâneo e não maquinado. No entanto, Pessoa tem um estranho efeito em mim. Álvaro de Campos é o heterónimo que partilhamos. E pronto. Hoje apeteceu-me rever este poema fantástico, com o qual muitas vezes me sinto intimamente ligado. Hoje não. No entanto, não é razão para não o trazer para cá. Para esta mescla de retalhos virtual que nada mais é do que a tapeçaria da minha vida. Part of it.

(This sounds so emo it hurts. But well, I also have my moments of mental breakdown. :P)

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Do you think I care?


Should I care that you feel bitter and unwanted?
Should I care that you feel under the weather and tired and sick of the World?

Dear, I mean, I'm here to have fun! I shouldn't be haunted by your old problems like they're mine. After all, I don't even know you!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Break up song?


Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away

You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed

You must love me


I've never broken up a relationship with anyone.
Nor the other way around. I had never been in a serious
relationship 'til there was you. And since we'll be together
forever, I need to simulate a breakup every now and then to keep
my sanity levels below their critical level.

I wish I could write a breakup song. But guess this lifetime
I was meant to to do something else. Hum.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

More!

Hello, hey Joe! You wanna give it a go?

Monday, September 11, 2006

5 years


I wish time could go back.. Back.
Not because of that
September 11 terrorist attack. Terrorism is only a point of view. The arabs really have a point. Aren't they being pushed back to the middle ages by the american forreign policies? Aren't they ostracized all-year-long by those yankees? Of course they are. But when they decide to blow up a couple of american buildings, it's World news! Such an unfair World.

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about the attack, but MY life, since this is MY blog and all.


5 years ago I was happilly lounging in my sofa watching the news like it was a movie. 11th grade was about to start. The holidays were nearly over, and I was emotionally confused, like we always are when something ends and something else begins - Summer was leaving, classes were coming. I absolutely love having classes, and the Summer was already boring the hell out of me. But of course.. As soon as classes started I would want to go back. And here it is!
Wanting to go back! Aren't we always wishing we could? What if we could? Would it change anything?

Since this is my blog, I'll answer myself: NO!

It wouldn't change a thing. Maybe it would, short term. But long term, everything would be the same. I know it. We are what we are, we do what we do. And people don't change. They only become closer to themselves. And well.. If we could go back, we'd become closer to ourselves even sooner.


Would that be good?

I need sleep. And I need silence. So I'll just get dressed and go parade around the downtown area. Maybe I'll force a couple of friends to hit the coffee shop avec moi.

Silence. Sleep. Right!

You only have yourselves to blame..




They had it coming!

I didn't do it! But if I'd done it, how could you tell me what I was wrong?!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Je t'aime!


You give me this love
You give me this love

Touch my
Garden
Rain clouds
Mountains
Sunshine
All day long

Sunrise
Meadows
Oceans
Rainbows
Starlight
All day long

Golden
New world
Rain clouds
Mountains
Ride my
Pony
Ride him
Slowly
Smiling
All day long

You give me this love
You give me this love
You give me this love
You give me this love...

When you wish upon a star..

Stupid song.

What I mean is: I wish this plant could eat you!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Nowadays..

It's good. Isn't it grand? Isn't it great? Isn't it swell? Isn't it fun? Isn't it.. Nowadays..

There's men! Everywhere jazz! Everywhere booze! Everywhere life! Everywhere joy! Everywhere! Nowadays..

You can like the life you're living.
You can live the life you like.
You can evey marry Harry..
But mess around with Ike.

In 50 years or so.. it's going to change, you know?

But oh.. It's heaven nowadays!

To all of you out there:

This is how a blonde prints an e-mail.


Quite original, if you ask me!

Stop being so judgmental!

Politicamente correcto?


"Ainda há paciência para pessoas politicamente correctas?

Eu sempre vivi enganado em relação a tudo e todos.. mas este golpe foi demasiado profundo para ignorar.

Agora, só paro quando a destruição for completa.

They're gonna get what they deserve."

Bitches!